“I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.”
April 20th, 2010
I “reasoned” that having a child would be inconvenient for me as an unwed freshman in college; I’d have to tell my mom and feel the shame and embarrassment of not waiting for sex until marriage and the absolutely unspeakable act of having unprotected sex with two men on the same day as an act of anger at the time against one of them and winding up getting pregnant. Then I would have to come home and be even more of a burden and shame to her. I’d have to tell her that I wasn’t really her honor student exercising poor judgment and lack of self-control – it was just the binge drinking and occasional casual drug use that I’d chosen to take up that made me temporarily lose my mind and “do it” and that I’d never do anything like it again. I’m sure that would have made her feel much better – not only like her daughter was a failure but that she had failed as a mother. I didn’t have the courage or heart to go to her or anyone in my family to talk about it. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. They still don’t know and it is tearing me apart.
