Admin - January 6th, 2012
I recently heard someone say, “I can’t tell my parents I’m pregnant! My mom will be so disappointed in me and my dad might even kick me out of the house!”
Being a mom of two daughters, I know that I would want my girls to tell me if they were to get pregnant. I would be disappointed, but I would also be okay!
Many parents have dreams for their children. They want them to find the right person to marry, to have the security of a home and job and then start a family. That being said, I love my daughters and want to support them no matter what circumstance they find themselves in. Here are some things that I hope my daughter would do if she were to tell me she was pregnant:
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I hope that my daughter would tell me as soon as possible. It seems that when we put things off they feel bigger and scarier.
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I would want her to tell me in person or write me a note. Sending a text feels very impersonal.
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I hope that she would wait for the right time to tell me about the pregnancy--not as I rush in the door after a long day of work.
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When she speaks to me it would be helpful if she communicated calmly how she is feeling, how she needs my love and support.
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Hopefully she would remember that I will need time to process all I am hearing, just as she needed time to process the pregnancy for herself.
It won’t be easy to tell your parents about your pregnancy, but hopefully you will be surprised to find that with some patience, understanding and clear communication the whole family can get through a very difficult time.
If you want help figuring out how to best tell your parents, remember that you can call CareNet. We would love to help you.
Guest blog by Terri C. Terri works in the Wood Dale office and has helped many families deal with unexpected pregnancies.
Admin - September 29th, 2010
A parental consent law (or parental notification law) is an issue surrounded by media attention. So without all the hype and biased opinions you hear on the news, here’s an honest answer to questions you should ask yourself about these laws before having an abortion.
So what is a parental consent law? A parental consent law typically means that you will need to get permission from a parent or guardian if you are under 18 before undergoing the abortion procedure.
Does my state have it? Individual states decide whether or not to demand parental permission for an abortion. At this time, Illinois does not require a parental signature before an abortion. If you’re from another state, click here for a break down of each state’s requirements.
Should I tell my parents anyway? This is a good question to ask yourself even if your state does not, by law, require you to. Abortion is one of the few medical procedures that does not always require the consent of a parent or guardian. Keeping in mind that abortion is a medical procedure, there are health risks involved. The following facts are taken directly from the Web MD article “Abortion- Before, During, and After an Abortion: When to Call a Doctor.”
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Severe bleeding. Both medical and surgical abortions usually cause bleeding that is different from a normal menstrual period. Severe bleeding can mean: passing clots that are bigger than a golf ball, lasting 2 or more hours; soaking more than 2 large pads in an hour, for 2 hours in a row; or bleeding heavily for 12 hours in a row.
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Signs of infection in your whole body, such as headache, muscle aches, dizziness, or a general feeling of illness. Severe infection is possible without fever.
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Severe pain in the abdomen that is not relieved by pain medicine, rest, or heat
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Hot flushes or a fever of 100.4F or higher that lasts longer than 4 hours
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Vomiting lasting more than 4 to 6 hours
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Sudden abdominal swelling or rapid heart rate
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Vaginal discharge that has increased in amount or smells bad
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Pain, swelling, or redness in the genital area
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Bleeding (not spotting) for longer than 2 weeks
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New, unexplained symptoms that may be caused by medicines used in your treatment
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No menstrual period within 6 weeks after the procedure
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Signs and symptoms of depression. Hormonal changes after a pregnancy can cause depression that requires treatment.
By law, a parental consent form is required for any surgery that takes place in a hospital. This means that if your guardian does not know about the procedure, they will not be present to sign off on a potentially life-saving surgery. In addition, let’s face it, this is a life-changing decision. It’s always good to talk something so impactful over with people who care about you whether that’s a guardian, a trusted teacher or relative.
Before you go in for an abortion, inform yourself; know your state’s laws, know the health risks of an abortion, know who to talk to about the decision and who to call if something goes wrong. Though whether or not to tell your parents is a difficult decision, your health and safety is always the most important thing to consider.
Guest post by Sarah R.
Cara B. - April 14th, 2010
About a year ago I watched an episode of “16 and Pregnant.” Soon after discovering she was pregnant, a young mother decided that she would inform her own mom of the news. She couldn’t work up the nerve to have a “family discussion,” so she decided to just text her mom while she was in class. This turned out to be not such a great idea. #1--her mom thought it was a joke. #2--the mom didn’t appreciate such serious news being shared via text.
This is just one of the many mishaps that can occur when trying to convey the news of pregnancy to an unsuspecting parent or guardian. It’s very difficult to navigate this conversation. Let’s keep from making the same mistakes. Here are a few examples of what NOT to do:
1. I think it’s safe to say, texting is not a great option. Although it’s a very valid form of communication today, people in previous generations value face to face conversation—especially for a topic so serious. Sending a text can be viewed as “the easy way out.”
2. Along with texting, any other form of impersonal communication is discouraged. Don’t email. Don’t send a certified letter. And definitely don’t have someone else break the news for you! The best method will come from YOU personally.
3. Don’t mention the news in passing. (For example, when you are running out of the door to catch the bus or packing up to leave for vacation.) This doesn’t allow for any family processing to occur and can make the situation more difficult.
4. Don’t blame your parents. It can be easy to point a finger, especially given a difficult circumstance such as an unplanned pregnancy. However, be careful of assigning blame. Take responsibility for what is yours and share honestly about your situation. Use “I feel” statements, expressing your emotions regarding your pregnancy.
5. Don’t yell, scream, or start throwing punches. That usually doesn’t go over very well. A calm, honest, face-to-face conversation is going to allow for both parties to be heard. Express your thoughts, then allow your parents to share theirs. It may not always turn out as you hoped, but these steps will help create a healthier environment for the news to be shared.
Informing your family members of an unplanned pregnancy may be difficult and awkward no matter what steps you take. However, there are things you can put into place to help make it as successful as it possibly can be. So, when thinking about the best way to break the news to YOUR parents, make a plan that best suits your individual family…and always remember what NOT to do!
Lisa P. - March 3rd, 2010
Pressure from parents is not just a teen problem. Families are in each other’s business—that’s the way it is. So, when I ask people what their parents are going to think about the pregnancy, the rarest answer is “they won’t care; they let me do my own thing.” Parents always have opinions, even if their kids are out of school, living on their own, or married, etc.
Obviously, some women are more sensitive to pressure from parents, depending on her circumstances. Age, education, living arrangements, culture, and religion all play a role. Family pressure can be a direct threat (“If you don’t abort, you’ll be out on the street”), or more like a suggestion (“You’ll never get over placing your child for adoption”).
Even the idea that “they can never find out” is the result of subtle force. These parents conveyed (with or without words) that getting pregnant would be the Worst Thing Ever, so their kids abort in secret. We encourage people to talk with their parents (or a trusted adult) about their decision. A choice this important should be informed by the parents’ actual reaction, not their predicted reaction.
Because abortion is a woman’s choice, no parent can decide the outcome of their daughter’s pregnancy. If your parents are trying to make your decision for you, they may be trying to protect you—but they need to respect your rights. Involve a relative, teacher, counselor, or friend if you need help protecting your right to choose.
*CareNet can help your family find a healthy path through this crisis. Please contact us.
*Check out Telling your Parents for ideas to get the conversation off on the right foot. Or read 5 Things Not to Do When Telling Your Parents for a differnt perspective.
*Read more about coercion HERE.
Lisa P. - February 17th, 2010
In a recent episode of Private Practice, a 15-year-old girl is pregnant and tells her parents. Her mom declares that the girl must abort, and when her dad is asked his opinion, he says, “I’m just a guy, I don’t have a choice.” The episode revealed the confusion families face about who should make such an important choice.
All that stuff about “a woman’s choice” is absolutely true—technically. The woman’s “right to choose” means that no one (laws, parents, boyfriend) should be able to force a woman NOT TO abort. The reverse should also be true: no one (laws, parents, boyfriend) should be able to force a woman TO abort. Anyone trying to legally force or prevent an abortion would find themselves on shaky ground.
Families and romantic partners sometimes try to force women to abort without using laws or courts at all. This kind of coercion includes dire negative predictions, threats, and sometimes even violence. Coercion tends to be dramatic and emotionally manipulative. The coercers, like the mother in the TV show, are driven by their own strong emotions to do anything to get the pregnant woman to do what they want, instead of what she wants.
Identifying coercion is important because women who feel forced into an abortion may have more trouble dealing with their decision emotionally. Some reactions include anger and resentment at the person who encouraged the choice. Important relationships can be damaged at a time when women most need strong emotional support.
If you’re facing a pregnancy decision, take some time to think about the reasons you’re considering each option. Do your reasons come from inside yourself or from others? Don’t ignore what other have to say. But it’s important to remember that you are the one who will be living with the result of your choice. You need to be the chooser.
* Men may also perceive an abortion as “forced on them,” whether by their partner, parents, or other forces. If you and your partner disagree about what you should do, try reading We Can Work It Out.
* Some coercion is abusive, or covers up abuse. If you are being abused, please tell someone and get help.
