Cara B. - April 14th, 2010
About a year ago I watched an episode of “16 and Pregnant.” Soon after discovering she was pregnant, a young mother decided that she would inform her own mom of the news. She couldn’t work up the nerve to have a “family discussion,” so she decided to just text her mom while she was in class. This turned out to be not such a great idea. #1--her mom thought it was a joke. #2--the mom didn’t appreciate such serious news being shared via text.
This is just one of the many mishaps that can occur when trying to convey the news of pregnancy to an unsuspecting parent or guardian. It’s very difficult to navigate this conversation. Let’s keep from making the same mistakes. Here are a few examples of what NOT to do:
1. I think it’s safe to say, texting is not a great option. Although it’s a very valid form of communication today, people in previous generations value face to face conversation—especially for a topic so serious. Sending a text can be viewed as “the easy way out.”
2. Along with texting, any other form of impersonal communication is discouraged. Don’t email. Don’t send a certified letter. And definitely don’t have someone else break the news for you! The best method will come from YOU personally.
3. Don’t mention the news in passing. (For example, when you are running out of the door to catch the bus or packing up to leave for vacation.) This doesn’t allow for any family processing to occur and can make the situation more difficult.
4. Don’t blame your parents. It can be easy to point a finger, especially given a difficult circumstance such as an unplanned pregnancy. However, be careful of assigning blame. Take responsibility for what is yours and share honestly about your situation. Use “I feel” statements, expressing your emotions regarding your pregnancy.
5. Don’t yell, scream, or start throwing punches. That usually doesn’t go over very well. A calm, honest, face-to-face conversation is going to allow for both parties to be heard. Express your thoughts, then allow your parents to share theirs. It may not always turn out as you hoped, but these steps will help create a healthier environment for the news to be shared.
Informing your family members of an unplanned pregnancy may be difficult and awkward no matter what steps you take. However, there are things you can put into place to help make it as successful as it possibly can be. So, when thinking about the best way to break the news to YOUR parents, make a plan that best suits your individual family…and always remember what NOT to do!
Lisa P. - March 3rd, 2010
Pressure from parents is not just a teen problem. Families are in each other’s business—that’s the way it is. So, when I ask people what their parents are going to think about the pregnancy, the rarest answer is “they won’t care; they let me do my own thing.” Parents always have opinions, even if their kids are out of school, living on their own, or married, etc.
Obviously, some women are more sensitive to pressure from parents, depending on her circumstances. Age, education, living arrangements, culture, and religion all play a role. Family pressure can be a direct threat (“If you don’t abort, you’ll be out on the street”), or more like a suggestion (“You’ll never get over placing your child for adoption”).
Even the idea that “they can never find out” is the result of subtle force. These parents conveyed (with or without words) that getting pregnant would be the Worst Thing Ever, so their kids abort in secret. We encourage people to talk with their parents (or a trusted adult) about their decision. A choice this important should be informed by the parents’ actual reaction, not their predicted reaction.
Because abortion is a woman’s choice, no parent can decide the outcome of their daughter’s pregnancy. If your parents are trying to make your decision for you, they may be trying to protect you—but they need to respect your rights. Involve a relative, teacher, counselor, or friend if you need help protecting your right to choose.
*CareNet can help your family find a healthy path through this crisis. Please contact us.
*Check out Telling your Parents for ideas to get the conversation off on the right foot. Or read 5 Things Not to Do When Telling Your Parents for a differnt perspective.
*Read more about coercion HERE.
Lisa P. - February 17th, 2010
In a recent episode of Private Practice, a 15-year-old girl is pregnant and tells her parents. Her mom declares that the girl must abort, and when her dad is asked his opinion, he says, “I’m just a guy, I don’t have a choice.” The episode revealed the confusion families face about who should make such an important choice.
All that stuff about “a woman’s choice” is absolutely true—technically. The woman’s “right to choose” means that no one (laws, parents, boyfriend) should be able to force a woman NOT TO abort. The reverse should also be true: no one (laws, parents, boyfriend) should be able to force a woman TO abort. Anyone trying to legally force or prevent an abortion would find themselves on shaky ground.
Families and romantic partners sometimes try to force women to abort without using laws or courts at all. This kind of coercion includes dire negative predictions, threats, and sometimes even violence. Coercion tends to be dramatic and emotionally manipulative. The coercers, like the mother in the TV show, are driven by their own strong emotions to do anything to get the pregnant woman to do what they want, instead of what she wants.
Identifying coercion is important because women who feel forced into an abortion may have more trouble dealing with their decision emotionally. Some reactions include anger and resentment at the person who encouraged the choice. Important relationships can be damaged at a time when women most need strong emotional support.
If you’re facing a pregnancy decision, take some time to think about the reasons you’re considering each option. Do your reasons come from inside yourself or from others? Don’t ignore what other have to say. But it’s important to remember that you are the one who will be living with the result of your choice. You need to be the chooser.
* Men may also perceive an abortion as “forced on them,” whether by their partner, parents, or other forces. If you and your partner disagree about what you should do, try reading We Can Work It Out.
* Some coercion is abusive, or covers up abuse. If you are being abused, please tell someone and get help.
Lisa P. - December 16th, 2009
1. They deserve to know. Even if you are terminating the pregnancy, plan to tell them before you go for the procedure. Your decision to abort should be a choice based on facts, and the facts include your parents’ response to your pregnancy—not just their “expected” response.
2. They should hear it from you. As painful as it might be to tell them, it will be worse if they have to guess, or find out from another source.
3. Help them respect your decision. If you’ve already made your choice, describe how you came to that conclusion. When they can follow your line of reasoning, they will be more likely to accept your conclusion. Also, they will trust your conclusion more if they see you’ve put thought into it and done your research. Ideally, when you respect your parents by telling them what’s going on, they will respect your wishes in this matter and support your decision.
4. Let them voice their concerns. Since they’ve listened to you, try to listen to them. It’s easy to get defensive if they have questions, but hang on to a little objectivity. If your dad had concerns about the car you were considering buying, you’d want to know about them, right? If you don’t agree, you don’t have to act on it.
5. They should not pressure you. Legally it is your decision. Practically, of course, there are subtle (and not-so-subtle) means of coercion. If you are being pressured, reach out for help. Social services organizations like CareNet may be able to assist you. If there is any kind of abuse involved, tell someone right away.
CareNet is happy to talk with you, your parents, or your family together. We provide information on each of the options and referrals for medical care, family counseling, and other community agencies.
