Lisa P. - March 31st, 2010
.jpg)
Job Change
Making a pregnancy decision with a partner can be similar to making a career decision. When the partners are in a committed relationship, the woman knows that her choice will affect his life through its effect on her. However, no one questions that she has the final verdict, since it is her career that will be impacted. Any kind of force applied by the partner would be immediately recognized as inappropriate.
Vacation Planning
Making the pregnancy decision could also feel like planning a trip together. The partners know they’ll both participate in the activities and destination that they choose, so they have to listen to each other, find ways to compromise, and come to an agreement together. Also in this case, the woman calls the final shots (she has the keys to the rental car). Viewed this way, it’s clear that it’s also inappropriate for her to ignore her partner’s input. He will have a miserable vacation and their relationship will probably suffer.
Both pictures reveal an important aspect of the decision making process. Which picture is closest to what’s going on in your relationship? What can you do to help your decision process be as healthy as possible?
Lisa P. - March 17th, 2010
For something that’s generally described as “a woman’s choice,” the man involved has a lot of influence.
As discussed in Whose Choice Is It? the decision is technically totally hers, but a woman’s decision will be shaped by her partner’s opinion and the circumstances of their relationship.
For instance, if the partners are not in a committed relationship, or if the relationship is new, the woman is likely to feel some pressure to abort, no matter what her partner actually says about it.
If the man has a strong opinion about what the woman should do, they can try to work things out by discussing the reasons and possible consequences of each decision. In extreme cases, guys may turn to manipulation or threats to get women to make a certain choice. This is damaging to the relationship and can be dangerous for women.
Sometimes guys feel pressure to hide their own feelings. He may think expressing his opinion will violate her right to choose. However, in this situation, honesty and open communication between partners is a necessity. If a man says “I’ll support whatever you decide,” a woman may hear “He’s not excited about the pregnancy, so he doesn’t want me to keep it.” Men, if you have an opinion, please express it so your partner can make her decision with the most accurate information available.
Related Blog entries:
We Can Work It Out: When Partners Disagree
Whose Choice Is It? Coercion in Pregnancy Decisions
Lisa P. - November 25th, 2009
He wants one thing, she wants another. When making a decision about something as significant as a pregnancy, expect the discussion to be difficult and the results to have a critical effect on the relationship.
-
Be wary of half-hearted compromises. Unlike choosing a dinner restaurant, if one partner is unhappy with the decision, he or she will not be able to brush it off—resentment almost always follows. Adding resentment to the other emotional adjustments that follow a pregnancy crisis can cause even a strong relationship to break down.
-
Search yourselves. If she really wants to keep the baby, can you also become excited about it, or will you be angry about the increased responsibility in your lives? If he really wants an abortion, can you agree wholeheartedly, or will you later blame him for “making you” go through with it? Be honest with yourself and your partner about how you might react to the choices you’re considering.
-
Listen. When one partner feels like their voice is not heard, it’s especially easy to blame the other person. Each person has to practice good listening. When you listen well to your significant other, you can help him or her to calm down and listen well to you.
-
Don’t rush. Good communication takes time. When the conversation gets heated, take a break. Sleep on it. Talk again.
-
Work together. Remember that both partners actually want the same thing: a decision they can live with and not regret. Try thinking of it as a problem you both want to solve, not a fight you both want to win. Once you’re working as a team, be creative problem-solvers together.
