Admin - April 17th, 2012
I’m sure most of you have come across the phrase “friends with benefits” before, and if you haven’t, let me explain. Today’s generation is big on “friends with benefits.” Teens are doing it, adults are doing it, and wait for it…they are even making movies about it! But what does “friends with benefits” mean? “Friends with benefits” is the idea that you can have sex with someone just for the pleasure and yearning of having sex with no strings attached. There are no emotions, no feelings, and no physical attachment involved.
The idea of “friends with benefits” is slowly erasing big parts of relationships today, such as friendship, dating, getting to know one another, and discovering connections. There is so much focus on the “hook-ups” and feeding sexual desires, the thought of coming into a relationship with someone is not even on the mind. Many people go into the “friends with benefits” thinking that it won’t cause the same complications as a relationship. Matt Fuller, who is a guest author of the blog Give Me Closure, states:
Two neurochemicals released during sex, dopamine and oxytocin, are responsible for the sense of pleasure and peace that are associated with intercourse. Unfortunately, these two happen to be “craving chemicals” which can’t make the distinction whether you’re having sex with someone you are planning to marry, or with someone who means nothing more than just a friend to you. That means, whether the participants in a sexual act want it or not, a bond is created during the intercourse.
Even though many say that there’s no emotional attachment with “friends with benefits,” the reality of it is that there is. Whether they admit it or not, many people end up feeling used, embarrassed, disappointed, and sad…especially when their one night stand fails to remember their name the next day. Sex plays a huge role on our heart, in our mind, and on our body, so people should be aware that emotions are going to become a factor. If you take a closer look at a “friends with benefits” relationship, you will notice patterns. First one person develops feelings, then there is conflict over where the relationship is going, and finally one friend feels betrayed when the other starts “hooking up” with someone else. These are just a few examples showing ways in which emotions are so heavily involved.
When you look at the phrase “friends with benefits,” really focus on that last word…benefits. Besides the “sexual desire” it may fill, are there really any benefits that come along with it? It may fill a temporary sexual desire, but long term, it may do more harm than good. It can cause a lack of self worth, depression, and an uncomfortable conversation for future relationships. Always remember, your heart is sacred, and it’s delicate. Your emotions and your body should be handled with care, not only by your own self, but by the others that are involved in your life.
Guest blog by Nikki B.
Admin - September 7th, 2011
Most of us believe a lot of cultural myths about successful relationships. One of the most damaging is a myth that one of my favorite speakers calls the ‘Right Person Myth’. This myth holds to the idea that when we meet the right person, everything will be alright. For example we subconsciously think, ‘I don’t need to practice patience because when I meet the right person they will be so great and I won’t ever get annoyed’, or ‘I don’t need to practice forgiveness because when I meet the right person they will be so awesome they won’t ever wrong me and I won’t ever need to forgive them’.
A problem arises when you find that person has been thinking the same thing about you. We all know we are not perfect and that we will disappoint our significant other if they have believed the ‘Right Person Myth’. Maybe the best way to fight the inevitable disappointment that this thinking brings is to try to better ourselves rather than rely completely on the other person’s wonderfulness. Imagine that amazing guy or girl. Do you embody the kind of integrity that he is looking for? Are you making the kind of choices her ideal person would be making? Know the kind of partner you want and don’t settle for anything less. Continue working on becoming the type of person that will attract that type of guy or girl while also seeking for a person with good character.
This doesn’t mean being fake. It means doing the honest hard work of personal change. We need to stop depending on destiny and take control of ourselves and our relationships. Be the person that the person you’re looking for is looking for.
Guest post by Esther B.
Admin - May 11th, 2011
People are sometimes curious about my personal decision to not have sex until marriage. So, here is my take on why abstinence works for me:
When I was in high school a few of the girls in my class, including one of my best childhood friends, got pregnant. Seeing how their life plans were affected made me think hard about how my own life goals could be interrupted. I decided I needed to make a plan to ensure that I would stay safe, healthy and on the right path to reach my goals. The question was, how could I guarantee that this would be accomplished? For me, there was only one answer that I found to completely ensure that I would be able to realize my goals. That choice was to not have sex until marriage.
My decision to practice abstinence is one I have to continue to make each and every day. Some days it can be hard, but at the end of every day that I have stayed abstinent, I am proud that I have made that decision for myself. It is a significant decision to make and cannot be made lightly.
Though it is not always easy, for me it was the only choice that I saw allowing me to secure my future and my life goals. Now I am 25 years old, have my Master’s degree and am in the process of starting my career. I have had no worries of an un-prepared pregnancy or a pregnancy outside of marriage because of my decision, and this lack of worry has allowed me to be where I am today. Abstinence is working for me and it can work for you too!
Guest post by Nicole D.
Admin - March 25th, 2011
Do you struggle with knowing whom to trust and whom not to? Trust is a big part of any relationship, especially one with your significant other. If you don’t trust that person, it’s going to wind up hurting both of you. Also when someone doesn’t trust you, it can feel like a betrayal or like they don’t believe in you or understand you.
Usually trust is based on what we see a person do: their actions. If someone says they will call and they do, we start to trust what they say. On the other hand, if someone says they want to hang out with you and they don’t show up, you call them a “flake” and start to doubt what they say.
Being called “trustworthy” is pretty desirable. We want people to trust that we will be there for them. Good relationships are marked by mutual trust. It’s pretty cute when a boy stands up for you because he believes in you. Guys love to be trusted, too. They love when you call them to ask a question or when you just want to be reassured about something. That shows trust.
The crazy thing about trust is that sometimes it can be misplaced. That can be pretty harmful. One thing that causes misplaced trust is, believe it or not, sexual involvement. Sex causes the release of a chemical called “oxytocin”. According to a recent issue of the “Monitor on Psychology”, oxytocin promotes trust. A study was done that asked the participants to split money with a stranger. Those who inhaled oxytocin offered the stranger eighty percent more money than those who did not.
What does that mean? That means that before the commitment of a relationship built on the ultimate trust of marriage vows, sex can cause us to trust our partners more than they really should be trusted. We might disregard the fact that they never call when they say they will just because we are sexually blinded. We may not see our relationship for what it really is.
One idea is to take a step back and evaluate how trustworthy our partners are. Try designating a certain length of time, maybe until you graduate or a few months time from now. Take this time to remove the blinder that sex can be. Abstain. Look at your relationship for what it really is. Does he do what he says he will? Does she tell you the truth? Try journaling or talking to someone else you trust about what you notice. Instead of sex, try planning creative date ideas or thinking of creative gifts to give your partner. This will lead you toward an honest perspective of your relationship that you can trust.
Guest blog by Em H.
Admin - November 10th, 2010
Living together before marriage makes sense, right? Why is it that people still have concerns about what appears to be such a reasonable concept? It makes sense to do a trial run before you commit for life, doesn’t it? Let’s find out.
In terms of statistics, there are some legitimate reasons to be cautious. Reports shown on CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC all show statistics that come to the same conclusion: Living together outside of marriage can actually hurt your relationship in the long run. The reason for this continues to baffle researchers because it is counter-intuitive.
Should these statistics have any bearing on your decision whether or not to move in with your significant other? Well, that’s for you to decide, but the facts are worth looking at. Here they are:
• According to research conducted by the University of Chicago, sixteen percent of women in cohabitating relationships reported physical abuse, as compared to just four percent of married women.
• Twenty percent of women living with their boyfriends reported cheating on their significant others, while only four percent of married woman said they had cheated.
• Women in the study said that they thought moving in together was a step toward marriage. Men said they did not see it as a precursor to marriage, but simply as a compatibility test run.
• In a particularly surprising statistic, CNN reported that 80 percent of couples that live together later divorce after they are married to their partner. That is nearly double the national divorce rate among married couples in general.
There are plenty of statistics out there on the issue of cohabitating. Before you make a life-changing decision, do some research and talk things over with your significant other and your friends and family. It always pays to make an informed choice, even if it is a counter-intuitive one.
Guest blog by Sarah R.
