Lisa P. - March 17th, 2010
For something that’s generally described as “a woman’s choice,” the man involved has a lot of influence.
As discussed in Whose Choice Is It? the decision is technically totally hers, but a woman’s decision will be shaped by her partner’s opinion and the circumstances of their relationship.
For instance, if the partners are not in a committed relationship, or if the relationship is new, the woman is likely to feel some pressure to abort, no matter what her partner actually says about it.
If the man has a strong opinion about what the woman should do, they can try to work things out by discussing the reasons and possible consequences of each decision. In extreme cases, guys may turn to manipulation or threats to get women to make a certain choice. This is damaging to the relationship and can be dangerous for women.
Sometimes guys feel pressure to hide their own feelings. He may think expressing his opinion will violate her right to choose. However, in this situation, honesty and open communication between partners is a necessity. If a man says “I’ll support whatever you decide,” a woman may hear “He’s not excited about the pregnancy, so he doesn’t want me to keep it.” Men, if you have an opinion, please express it so your partner can make her decision with the most accurate information available.
Related Blog entries:
We Can Work It Out: When Partners Disagree
Whose Choice Is It? Coercion in Pregnancy Decisions
Lisa P. - March 3rd, 2010
Pressure from parents is not just a teen problem. Families are in each other’s business—that’s the way it is. So, when I ask people what their parents are going to think about the pregnancy, the rarest answer is “they won’t care; they let me do my own thing.” Parents always have opinions, even if their kids are out of school, living on their own, or married, etc.
Obviously, some women are more sensitive to pressure from parents, depending on her circumstances. Age, education, living arrangements, culture, and religion all play a role. Family pressure can be a direct threat (“If you don’t abort, you’ll be out on the street”), or more like a suggestion (“You’ll never get over placing your child for adoption”).
Even the idea that “they can never find out” is the result of subtle force. These parents conveyed (with or without words) that getting pregnant would be the Worst Thing Ever, so their kids abort in secret. We encourage people to talk with their parents (or a trusted adult) about their decision. A choice this important should be informed by the parents’ actual reaction, not their predicted reaction.
Because abortion is a woman’s choice, no parent can decide the outcome of their daughter’s pregnancy. If your parents are trying to make your decision for you, they may be trying to protect you—but they need to respect your rights. Involve a relative, teacher, counselor, or friend if you need help protecting your right to choose.
*CareNet can help your family find a healthy path through this crisis. Please contact us.
*Check out Telling your Parents for ideas to get the conversation off on the right foot. Or read 5 Things Not to Do When Telling Your Parents for a differnt perspective.
*Read more about coercion HERE.
Lisa P. - February 17th, 2010
In a recent episode of Private Practice, a 15-year-old girl is pregnant and tells her parents. Her mom declares that the girl must abort, and when her dad is asked his opinion, he says, “I’m just a guy, I don’t have a choice.” The episode revealed the confusion families face about who should make such an important choice.
All that stuff about “a woman’s choice” is absolutely true—technically. The woman’s “right to choose” means that no one (laws, parents, boyfriend) should be able to force a woman NOT TO abort. The reverse should also be true: no one (laws, parents, boyfriend) should be able to force a woman TO abort. Anyone trying to legally force or prevent an abortion would find themselves on shaky ground.
Families and romantic partners sometimes try to force women to abort without using laws or courts at all. This kind of coercion includes dire negative predictions, threats, and sometimes even violence. Coercion tends to be dramatic and emotionally manipulative. The coercers, like the mother in the TV show, are driven by their own strong emotions to do anything to get the pregnant woman to do what they want, instead of what she wants.
Identifying coercion is important because women who feel forced into an abortion may have more trouble dealing with their decision emotionally. Some reactions include anger and resentment at the person who encouraged the choice. Important relationships can be damaged at a time when women most need strong emotional support.
If you’re facing a pregnancy decision, take some time to think about the reasons you’re considering each option. Do your reasons come from inside yourself or from others? Don’t ignore what other have to say. But it’s important to remember that you are the one who will be living with the result of your choice. You need to be the chooser.
* Men may also perceive an abortion as “forced on them,” whether by their partner, parents, or other forces. If you and your partner disagree about what you should do, try reading We Can Work It Out.
* Some coercion is abusive, or covers up abuse. If you are being abused, please tell someone and get help.
Brenda Goodnough, RN - February 10th, 2010
After a surgical or chemical abortion there are some basic things you can do to help in your recovery. You may feel physically fine after your procedure but you will need to take safety measures to ensure that you do not experience complications.
1. Drink plenty of fluids.
2. Limit activity for a few days.
3. Take the antibiotics given to you until they are gone.
4. No exercise for two weeks.
5. No swimming or tub baths for two weeks.
6. Don’t use anything vaginally for two weeks. (This includes sex, douching, or using tampons.)
7. Avoid heavy lifting, anything over 15 lbs, for two weeks.
8. Be aware of the signs and symptoms of infection:
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Fever over 100 degrees that does not respond to medication and lasts for more than a couple of hours.
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Bleeding that is heavier than a normal period with large clots and bright red blood.
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Severe cramping.
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Foul smelling discharge.
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Dizziness, fainting or nausea.
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Bleeding from IV site.
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Abdominal swelling or tenderness.
If you develop any of these symptoms, see your medical provider as soon as possible. If you cannot reach your physician do not hesitate to go to the nearest emergency room for evaluation.
It is very important that you are examined around two weeks after your abortion. If you find it difficult to return to the clinic where your procedure was performed, then seek medical attention elsewhere.
Once you have recovered physically there is still emotional healing that needs to take place. The “blues” are not uncommon after an abortion. Some women report feeling relieved after their procedure, but many do not. If you continue to experience emotional difficulties as time passes, you may want to seek help to deal with post abortion stress. There are several good programs that will help you deal with the feelings, such as Restore.
It is very important to allow yourself the time and care to heal from an abortion. This can be a period of physical and emotional upheaval. Being proactive in the healing process will pay off in restoring you in both areas more quickly and completely
Cara B. - February 3rd, 2010
Along this little journey called “decision-making” we’ve gone through several steps: embracing the reality of our situations, gathering information, and including others into the process. So, what’s next? Action.
4. Move forward. After all things have been considered, you can make a decision that you can stand behind. Anyone who is facing a major life decision would do the same. Even when you make a big purchase or consider a career change, similar steps are involved—recognizing the need, searching for information, and considering alternatives. ONLY after all these steps are complete can a proper decision be made. It is even more important to follow through with this process when you are facing pregnancy.
5. Evaluate your decision. What will the outcomes be? Will there be anything you might later regret? We never want you to find yourself in this stage. That is why it is important that you follow through the entire process and consider the implications of each option—abortion, adoption or parenting. If for some reason, after following all these steps, you still choose something you regret, there are people who will help. Although you can’t undo what’s been done, there are places for support and healing. Whether you are struggling to arrange for childcare, having trouble transitioning into your adoption plan, or dealing with sadness after an abortion—there are resources and services that will fit your individual situation and help you through whatever difficulties you may be facing.
So, yes, there’s a big decision lying before you and more than likely, it won’t be a painless one. But before you get completely overwhelmed, understand that there are steps you can take to make it easier than you might expect. Unfortunately, those 2 lines won’t be erased and the fact that you’re pregnant won’t go away. However, you aren’t alone in navigating this process. There are many people who would love to walk with you through this journey. So, step forward, consider your options and talk to someone who cares.
